Culinary Tête-à-tête

or, Things People Have Asked Me at Williams Sonoma

INT – WILLIAMS SONOMA – COOKS & SAMPLE STATION

Jules busily serves hot chocolate to hordes of Christmas shoppers while spreading the word of pure peppermint oil and candy discounts.

A YOUNG BLOND WOMAN WORKS HER WAY URGENTLY TO THE FRONT OF THE CROWD.

Jules: “…it’s nicer and lighter and not so candy cane-ish tasting. All our chocolates are made with Guittard chocolate and are on special. If you buy 2 of a kind you get…”

Lady: “I’m looking for a whip with balls.”

JULES STOPS MID POUR.

JULES BLINKS.

Lady:”You know, a whip. With balls at the end?”

LADY MAKES LONG, DANGLY MOTIONS WITH HER FINGERS.

Jules, int: This lady is totally screwing with me.

Jules: “Um…how…uh…would you use it…?”

LADY MAKES SMALL STIRRING MOTIONS.

Lady: “I guess it’s like a whisk, sorta.”

Jules: “Oh! A WHISK! I haven’t seen one like that, but it would be over…ohthankgod…there it is!”

INT – WILLIAMS SONOMA – ENTRANCE

LADY AND HER EIGHT YEAR OLD KID ENTER. LADY STARTS OPENING RANDOM PEPPERMINT CRÈME BOXES.

Jules: “Hi. How are you?”

NOT STOPPING TO LOOK UP, LADY #2 CONTINUES TO RUMMAGE THROUGH THE CANDY DISPLAY.

Lady #2: “Do you have any Peppermint Crème samples?”

Jules: “No, I’m sorry. Tonight we’re sampling Peppermint Bark.”

Lady #2: “Well, that won’t help me know what Peppermint Crèmes taste like, will it?”

Jules, int: How ‘bout I help you go lick the escalator and you can get an idea what the bottom of my shoe tastes like?

INT – WILLIAMS SONOMA – ELECTRONICS

ELDERLY LADY IN A BRIGHT RED RAINCOAT IS NERVOUSLY WALKING BACK AND FORTH, ALTERNATELY WRINGING HER HANDS AND POINTING AT DISPLAY ITEMS. HER GUMLINE IS BLACK AND HER CLOTHES EXCUDE A PUNGENT SMELL OF MARAJUANA.

Mary Jane: “I had a kitchen aid blender but my niece saw it and she’s very grabby you know so she took it and paid me $100 for it but I paid $160 so I lost money on it but I loved it so much that I have to get another but I want it in nickel plate and not white but nickel plate so if you could check on that I’ve got a rebate for $20 which is good cuz then I’ll come out a little more even cuz I’m retired and I have to be careful with my budget you know and my niece bought my first one from me and I lost money on that but I want it in nickel plate not white and while you check on that will you look at how much the hand mixer is cuz my niece took that too and she gave me $50 but it’s $80 so I want to replace that too but do you know if you’ll have an after Christmas sale and does it come in red not white cuz I want red not white and I’m on a budget and I want to do my shopping in January cuz there are better deals but I really love Williams Sonoma and I’d rather buy them here so can you check if you have the blender in nickel plate and not white my niece bought my first one …”

INT – WILLIAMS SONOMA – COOKBOOKS

ELDERLY LADY WEARING EXPENSIVE GLASSES, A FLASHY FEATHERED HAT AND FUR BOA WALKS UP.

Boa Lady: “I’m looking for a salmon mayonnaise sauce recipe. Can you help me find one? What’s a good cookbook?”

Jules: “Uh, sure. But I’m not really familiar with these yet, it’s my first day. Would you like me to get one of our experts?”

Boa Lady: “Oh, no, you’re fine. I don’t want to buy a cookbook; I just want to copy the recipe. Can you help me look through them all?”

INT – WILLIAMS SONOMA – BAKEWARE

YOUNG MAN WITH AN UNSURE LOOK ON HIS FACE TIMIDLY APPROACHES.

Nervous guy: “Do you have a scale for really, really small weights? Like 3 grams? 5 grams?”

Jules: “Well, we have these digital scales, but I’m not sure what you need. What are you using it for? Like sushi or something?”

Nervous guy: “No, it’s just…very light materials. I’m working with small, dry measurements.”

Jules: “Like sugar or flour?”

Nervous guy: “Yeah. Yeah. I’m making…a cake…and the recipe lists very small units.”

Jules: “A cake. And your recipe uses grams not, uh, teaspoons and tablespoons?”

Nervous guy: “Um, no. It’s a special cake. Very delicate.”

Jules, int: What kind of cake are you making, dude? A METH CAKE? Nobody bakes anything in grams.

Do they?

Other stuff I’ve learned from customers:

• The red le creuset pot over in the hot chocolate display is not just for pretty – it has a spout BECAUSE IT’S A HOT CHOCOLATE POT.
• An oven pad doesn’t go on your hands – it’s a plastic sheet you put on the bottom of your oven so junk can fall on it and make a mess.
• 1 in 5 people will try to use a vegetable slicer to cut thin slices of fish.
• Making cappuccino yourself is a pain in the ass. Unless you buy the $1,000 electronic touch-screen barista machine.
• Egg poachers are not those little stands you use for those eggs people eat in the shell.

This is Your Wake Up Call

Soft, cool droplets of water misted against my skin. The car window was wide open. As we sped down our determined road, I gazed out at a grey-blue fog weaving between ancient trees of a forest I did not know. Yet it was familiar, like the house you know as a child.

“You didn’t wait for Mike.” I said. “They won’t know where we’re going.”

Travis kept his eyes on the road ahead. “Mike will be just fine.”

I glanced behind us and wondered after the friends who followed. Will they find the way? Vision lifted into the mists and looked down upon two little cars driving a road that wove around land and water like a pinball track straight into heaven.

Bending right, looping left, our cars climbed around tiny islands and fell back onto the mainland. Gray cliff sides faded slowly into forest, and the road was finally swallowed by a canopy of green, soft silence.

We got out and walked with our friends towards the entrance of a great woodland lodge. All around us was the sound of rushing water and the breath of watchful trees. Green, dark, powerful life reached out from every direction, silently speaking of memories just beyond.

Entering the house, I was immediately lost. Wandering alone, I sensed my companions just ahead, or just behind each new room. Winding staircases, old white doors, a small library with a cozy fireplace. Full of people I did not know and empty of those I sought. Finally, I found a door that didn’t lead to more rooms. It opened out to the river. And to the rocks.

Massive woodland guardians, jagged rock spines jutted out of the river. Walls rising steep and hard, their edges crumbled violently into the water. And the world swam in the water at my feet. Around my ankles, the dress began to tug. It tangled around my thighs. Pulled at my waist.

My fingertips danced upon the surface. A breeze swirled around me. Turning slowly, I watched the rock and water washing themselves away, and felt at ease.

Then, suddenly…

BAP!

A large fuzzy paw hit me square in the nose.

I blinked. And instead of standing in my misty dream world, I began to recognize the shadows of my bedroom at 5am.

As well as the 17-pound purr machine lying on my chest.

Shadows fluttered across the light leaking through the bathroom door. I could hear Trav shuffling with his shirt and shaving for work. My eyes were just barely open. But my cat, Algie, would have been able to give a thorough report on the condition of my optical nerve, because this giant, eager feline was closer to my face than he’s ever been in his life.

Al: “Mrrrr-ow!” Morning, mom. Get up.

I considered him for half a second. Then closed my eyes.

Most of the time, I can’t get back ‘in’ to a dream once my eyes open. But somehow, I was still sleepy enough to slip back this time. My mystical, misty skies were only barely faded. Hello, broken rocks! Nice to see you again, peaceful river. Trees, you are so lovely. Laa la laaa le laaa …

BAP!

The. Hell.

Me: “Kitty. No.”

Al: “Moowroww!” Come ON. I’m hungry! Feed me now, and then we’ll come back to bed and snuggle till nine.

Me: “Leave mommy alone.”

Turn over. He’ll have to get off me if I turn over. Come on. Turn over. Unh. Caught. In. Dream. Cat. Too. Heavy.

Al: “PRRRRRRRRRR…” I looooove you…

My cat is eight and a half years old. He’s never gone more than a few hours hungry and isn’t about to start fading away now. He’s always flirted and cajoled and annoyed me for food, but he has never, EVER hit me in the face.

I wonder if he’ll hit me harder.

BAP!

Al: “MROW!” Bitch. I am not playin’ wit you. Feed. Me. NOW.

Chuckling, I tossed the covers over Al and rolled slowly out of bed. The large black & white cat dashed across room and stopped for me at the top of the stairs.

Me (rubbing my eye): “Are you going?”

He dashed away into the darkness below as I began a sluggish decent. Al’s insistent meow called out from the kitchen.

Me: ”All RIGHT, Al! I’m comi- WAUGH!”

THUD!