I saw a blog trend this summer of folks doing “number of” lists. With my recent move, writer’s block and new job at Williams Sonoma, I’ve come up with a list of my own.
Williams Sonoma
Number of times I’ve:
- Worked at the mall: 0
- Had to stand on my feet for eight hours straight: 0
- Cursed my cheap, ugly, flat black shoes and the fake plastic cow they were made from: 1,000
- Realized I’m working a lot harder and using less of my brain, for HALF the pay and HALF the hours: 25
- Daydreamed of a 8-5 job at a desk M-F and a commute that didn’t involve sleepy midnight drivers: 1,000
- Taken one glance at the stock room and prayed that the mall would continue to be blessed with the good fortune not to have a fire, because otherwise, Santa would be delivering coal PEOPLE instead of coal lumps this Christmas: 20
- Had to move 19 hundred pounds of boxed Peppermint Bark to dig through the stock shelf behind to find one bottle of Madagascar Vanilla: 400
- Been involved in a minor work injury: 3
- Had a coworker back into me and smack her elbow on a glass jar full of candy samples I was carrying to greet a horde of Christmas shoppers: 1
- Smacked my boss in the face WITH A DOOR when she stopped mid-exit to check the cider machine as we ran out of the shop before the night alarm went off: 1
- Given myself a concussion while stocking the gravy display when a customer asked “Where’s your gravy?” and I lifted my head into a shelf corner to look at them in disbelief: 1
- Squeezed my eyes shut tight, tried not to imagine a gushing head wound, held my breath and thought to myself, “Don’t curse. DON’T curse. DON’T. CURSE.”: 345
Job Hunt
Number of times I’ve:
- Rewritten my resume: 2
- Posted to jobs on Monster: 567
- Posted to jobs on NWjobs: 40
- Received interview requests from Monster jobs: 0
- Received interview requests from NWjobs: 20
- Had a phone or a live interview in the last 2 weeks: 8
- Requests for references that I can’t give because everyone who works at eBay is protected from bomb threats, death threats and security bypasses by a World War II iron freaking curtain: 1
- People who possibly haven’t called back because they think my eBay references are made up: 1
Home
Number of times I’ve:
- Reminded myself not to open the right hand cabinet of my pantry because the top hinge has a stripped screw and is going to fall right off: 35
- Remembered not to open the right hand cabinet of my pantry because the top hinge has a stripped screw and is going to fall right off: 0
- Gone to plug something in and discovered the whole damn outlet is blocked: 400
- Stood at the thermostat checking the temperature because I want it to be 71, and it says it’s 71, but I don’t believe it’s 71 because I’m freezing ass cold in my living room 5 feet away and only 3 vents in this two story house are ACTUALLY BLOWING AIR: 37
- Stood at the thermostat clicking the “up” arrow at 5am because even though I have the instructions, I’m convinced I’ll still do something wrong and blow us all to smithereens in our sleep because the whole place runs on gas: 58
- Wanted to open the kitchen window after cooking grease-based or onion-based foods like burgers or enchiladas or anything that smells funny when you wake up the next morning, but not being able to because there isn’t ONE SINGLE WINDOW with a screen on it: 125
- Called our realtor to give him our GET THIS SHIT FIXED list: 7
- Received a return phone call to GET OUR SHIT FIXED: 1
- Moved the oak coffee table into the living room and the mahogany coffee table into the family room: 5
- Rearranged the living room: 7
- Rearranged the family room: 9
- Hidden pictures and table leafs and 1400 pieces of other random stuff I don’t know what to do with in the linen closets, pantry and a secret closet behind the laundry room: 15
- Gone up and down the stairs carrying boxes and books and mail and laundry and shoes and a bazillion other things to put away: 2,948
- Biffed it and fallen flat on my face going down said staircase at 6am IN PITCH DARK to feed the cat: 4
Writing
Number of times I’ve:
- Been so distracted by the picturesque view of our neighborhood out my office window that my focus on writing or responding to email is completely destroyed: 2,948
- Moved my office from the room with a picturesque view of our neighborhood to the room with a view of the grey siding on the house next door: 1
- Pulled my laptop entirely out of my desk and gotten more done by sitting next to the fire in the family room watching tv writing emails and new posts: 19
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