posted by jules.maas on eBay, Microsoft

3 comments

Unbelievably Patient and Loyal Reader #1: “Is she still writing about eBay?”

Unbelievably Patient and Loyal Reader #2: “She’s still writing about eBay.”

Unbelievably Patient and Loyal Reader #1: “Um, didn’t she quit, like, a YEAR ago?”

Jules: “Hey! I didn’t quit. I don’t quit. I was ‘reorganized’. And it was… (counting on fingers)…six months ago, thank you.”

Unbelievably Patient and Loyal Reader (UPLR) #2: “Have you even done your 401K paperwork?”

Jules: “Shut up.”

UPLR #1: “I thought she said she had a job at Microsoft. Hasn’t said a word about it.”

UPLR #2: “She’s so totally making it up. Trying to show off so her eBay buddies won’t think she’s a LOSER.”

Jules: “Whatever, jerk. I’m a Project Manager for the Microsoft Systems Management Marketing Division. And it rules.”

UPLR #1: “…What the hell does that even mean?”

UPLR #2: “The longer the title, the bigger the faker.”

Jules: “No no no, It’s, ‘The more ambiguous the title, the bigger the bullshitter.’ My title is very clear.”

UPLR #2: “Oh, ok. So you what, manage projects for the systems manager of Microsoft’s marketing manager division management server?”

Jules: “Uh, no. I manage a couple of small marketing projects for Systems Management, such as publishing internal and external newsletters, building and maintaining team intranet sites, coordinating vendor development of the external website update and…”

UPLR #2: “Yabba dabba blabba. English, please.”

Jules: “I make web pages.”

UPLR #1: “Wow. That’s like, what you wanted to do.”

Jules: “I know! Isn’t that craza-licious? I keep thinking they’re going to fire me any second.”

UPLR #2: “Do you suck or something?”

Jules: “Actually, they love me.”

UPLR #2: “Well, let’s not be modest here. They loooove you?”

Jules: “Duh. Who doesn’t? No, I mean, it’s just that they’re always going on about how awesome I make their stuff look and what a good job I’m doing. It’s weird. It’s like they mean it.”

UPLR #1:“ So…show us some photos…”

Jules: “Yeah, about that. I’m DYING to, but I can’t.”

UPLR #1: “Oh come on! Why not?”

UPLR #2: “Yeah, why not? You big faker.”

Jules: “Dude? You call me a faker one more time and I’ll delete your butt right out of this story. Got it?”

UPLR #2: “Ooooo – you’re gonna delete my imaginary butt down into the depths of oblivion? How ‘bout I bring a lifesaver and a picnic basket when I meet you later on Nightmare Shores when you’re having that dream about swimming the English Channel with Wolverine and the rest of the X-Men.”

Jules: “Ok, then. See you later.”

BLEEP!

UPLR #1: “Swimming. With the X-Men.”

Jules: “Some girls like comic books! Is that okay with you?”

UPLR #1: “That just seems really, really…wierd. And sad.”

Jules: “Really? Some girls even like Hugh Jackman. What’s hard to connect here?!”

UPLR #1:“Alll-righty, then. Let’s…talk about something else. Show us some pictures.”

Jules: “Dude, nothing would make me happier than to run around this place snapping photos of all the awesome and amazing things that make me go, ‘This is just like at eBay’ or ‘This is SO MUCH BETTER than at eBay’ on a daily basis – but there’s this little thing called a ‘non-disclosure contract’ that I’m pretty sure includes a paragraph on professional killers. I’m under the distinct impression that Mcrosoft’s got some pretty good goons.”

UPLR #1:“Please? Pretty please? Please pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasePLEASE! Puh-lease! Pleeeeeeease? Puh…”

Jules: “Woah, woah, WOAH! Dang! I’ll show you some pictures – just shut up, ok?!”

UPLR #1:“Oh you are SO EASY! Sure you want to be a parent? That kid’ll walk all OVER you.”

Jules: “Do you want to see the pictures or not? I can turn around anytime. Don’t make me stop this car.”

UPLR #1: “I’m sorry.”

Jules: “So here goes:

Boring Photos Jules Took With A Totally Inconspicuous “Who ME? I’m Checking My Text Messages” Look on Her Face With Her SuperSpy-SuperFly Pink RAZR Phone

There are about 101 individual Microsoft buildings in Redmond, WA. They all look pretty much the same. This one’s mine. Go find it.

This is my office. Yeah, that’s right – I have an OFFICE. In fact, I even have a DOOR. And that, my friends, is my favorite part. Because noise makes me cranky.

I put up all that hoops&yoyo stuff thinking it was cute and funny and people would go, “Woo, fun! Girl’s got a sense of humor!” Then I walked in one morning and realized anyone with half a brain would take one look at it and go, “What is this girl? Like, FIVE?”

Here’s the elevator. It looks pretty bare right now, but over the course of a month there are about a thousand Microsoft posters on products, events and campaigns that will go up around it until you can’t even see the paint. Why is this so interesting to me? Because the eBay Wall Gestapo would have literally FREAKED RIGHT THE HELL OUT if we’d come anywhere near this:

Ooo! And it gets better! Every single breakroom on campus has a giant message corkboard. Guess what they get to put on it? That’s right – MESSAGES. Not just Microsoft and Microsoft HR messages, but messages about upcoming community college courses and fundraisers and live bands and laundry service and house cleaning and CARPOOLS. And anyone, ANYONE can put a message up there. Doesn’t have to go through an approval process or anything. There are mornings when I go get my coffee and stand there admiring the board for a good twenty minutes.

Don’t even get me started on the employee newsletter website, where they actually have *GASP* employee birth announcements, obituaries and classified sections. UN-REAL.

So there you have it. A quick glimpse at my new, real, wonderful job that I’m totally not making up. But the part about not wanting to look like a loser to my eBay friends? Kinda true.

They’re the coolest people I know.

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