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Archive for August, 2006

31
Aug

Lucha Libre: Padre e Hijo*

Scavenger Hunt Scallywags, Bob and ChaseToday I’d like to take a break from my regularly scheduled eBaymania to brag about a few other people doing Amazing Feats of Awesomeness.

Earlier this month, my cousin, Michelle, Robert and their son, Chase, entered the Alibi Newspaper’s 1st Annual Scavenger Hunt. Now, my cousins are incredibly creative, talented and smart. They’re also obsessive, competitive, complete know-it-alls.  Sound at all familiar? Yeah. It’s not just me. That’s 90% of our entire extended family right there.

(And so many of my bosses wonder why I’m such an incurable perfectionist. If it wouldn’t be wierd, not to mention incredibly detrimental, I’d list “Family: Adams, standard type-A personality” under the skills section of my resume as a way of letting people know I have impossibly high standards and am difficult to manage. “Hm. You want me to do this your way? Interesting. Here’s an idea – I think I should do it MY way. Why? Because I’m right. DUH. ” This could save everyone a lot of time.)

Back in February my cousins tried to sucker me into attending the 2006 Herald Hunt by attempting to disguise the event as ‘going to Miami for a fun vacation’. Upon closer investigation, this actually turns out to be five hours of psychotic chaos in which HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF INSANE PEOPLE SWARM DOWNTOWN MIAMI HUNTING FOR WIERD CRAP USING CLUES THOUGHT UP BY DAVE BARRY. 

All I could see was a picture of me, Travis, Bob and Michelle standing under the blazing Miami sun arguing over the meaning of a price sticker on a deflated soccer ball outside a mom & pop sports store while desperately trying not to be trampled by 9,996 sweaty, obnoxious tourists.

I have a ten-foot personal space zone and a HUGE problem with looking stupid. Which happens often enough. Put me in the middle of the world’s biggest scavenger hunt? I have a hard time just finding my car at the mall.

So when responding to their invitation, I tried my best to let them down gently by explaining the limitations of my patience for a situation such as this.

“Hell. No.”

To which they were crushed. Truly. It took them a whole day to get over it. Never ones to be deterred, it appears they have carried on in their scavenging quests without me.

Last week the Alibi Newspaper announced the winners of their 1st Annual Scavenger Hunt. In 48 hours, Bob & Chase racked up 4,500 points hunting down most of the Albuquerquean crap on this list.

Things I would go after as the surest way of crossing items off, so as to avoid being a loser who wasted all her time looking for hard things and ended up crossing nothing off:

Things I’m pretty sure nobody wants to find:

  • The mayor (300 pts)
  • The governor (400 pts)

The wierdest, most obscure things on the planet, let alone on the list, that Bob & Chase found:

  • Someone in a Luche Libre wrestling mask (30 pts)
  • The Center of the Universe (50 pts)
  • A paleta salesperson with cart (80 pts)
  • An inverted double rainbow (500 pts)
  • Mosaic tiled-car ‘art’ (100 pts)

What they won:

  • 2-week fitness course taught by former Navy SEAL Daniel Sampson
  • Style makeover from the Urban Academy (Bumble & Bumble?!)
  • 6 passes to the Explora Science Center & Children’s Museum

Certainly there are easier ways to get in shape, update your look and spend a day with the kid.

But they’re probably not as fun.

Way to go, Foxes!

*Lucha libre – Spanish, “free-style fighting”.  Padre e Hijo – Spanish, “Father and Son”
22
Aug

Its Time to Eat the Doughnuts

Yes. Those are donuts. In my car. In a convenient easy reach package.

Because today? God. damn.

If I get one more fricking email about this stupid project that amounts to nothing, that absolutely refuses to go right, that takes over and derails my entire day…

If I lose one more day to this tiny-ass roadblock on which no one is capable of helping me out or make a decision or even RESPOND within three fricking days…

If I get passed off to one more random person to loop in and keep track of on this ever-expanding list of project ‘participants’…

If one more woman tells me “I have some news…I’m PREGNANT!! Isn’t it GREAT?!”…

If I have one more person tell me about this woman they know who just delivered via IVF and it made them think of me….

If I have one more acquantance/stranger offer me their uterus or suggest some dumb ass infertility miracle like say, ACUPUNTURE…(A real, live, serious person told me this would solve ALL my problems. Do we LIVE IN THE MATRIX?! I. DON’T. THINK. SO.)

If I have to hear one more time how wonderfully beautiful and GLOWING my pregnant sister, oh no wait, my preganant sister-in-law, or no wait, my pregnant sister’s friend’s wife is…

I’m going to stab myself in the eye with a pair of large, rusty scissors.

So I’m going to sit right here and eat this entire box of perfect, round chocolate covered bites of escapism while watching the Work Out marathon and living vicariously through other people who can kick some ASS.

15
Aug

Flashers

So, I think Meetup is awesome.

(Which, duh, of course I do. I found it from Pierre. For anybody not paying attention: Pierre=eBay=one-Jules-brand-instant-pudding-freak out-session.)

Since March I’ve been a member of the Seattle Web Design Meetup group and have been looking forward to going to a meeting so I can hang out with all sorts of experienced designers and have intelligent conversations about…stuff.

There are a few reasons I haven’t made it yet – I work in Redmond, the meeting’s in Seattle, they hold it at seven at night… I could go on but what this comes down to is: with parking and walking and traffic and assorted commuting crap, I’d leave work at four, get there an hour late and return home just in time for my 2am infomertials.

Maybe I’m exaggerating. A little. I’m most likely willing to get over all that because really, do I NEED a burning reason to leave work at four? Also? The opportunity to listen to folks with years more experience in the field than me? PRICELESS.

However. There is one teeny drawback that has me seriously thinking about dragging my poor husband to each and every Meetup I ever attend, even if the sheer boredom of twenty people discussing Explorer vs. Firefox, color balance, screen resolution, and the great Flash/html debate all night is enough to drive him to drink, because oh. my. gosh. Just LOOK at some of  the emails I get:

********************************

Subject: Yo

Just saw you joined the website group, looks like we’re in the same area.  How’s the webdesign’n going with you?

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Is it just me? Did any of you take one look at that alpha-gamma-delta "how you doing?" kegger photo, and NOT think, "cyber-stalker! Run away! Run away!"

Anyone?

********************************

Subject: Introduce to me

Hi,

I am XXXX. I have 3years of exp in this web design field. My mail id is XXXX. Every day 10am to 10pm i am in online, as per india times. this is my introduction. If u r intrest to my frined ship. pls contact me. we create a new group

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Hi, I am bitch. I look you and remember stranger in college who try make me friendship/next harem wife. Bye bye.

********************************

Subject: Hi this is XXXX. I want ur introduction here i mention about me

Hi,

This is XXXX, I am working as a Web Designer in India. I have 3 years of exp in this field, still i want to learn lot of. If u dont mind i want to talk with u about web designing. If u have a problem to talk with me just say bye, this is my mail id XXXX. 10AM to 10PM i am in online Everyday.

————————————

Hi, r u persistent. if u dont mind, me not encourage u. me stick with no answer = no talkie.

********************************

Subject :  An invitation to the next Flash Meetup from Alex

We’ve started a Flash Meetup for Seattle. The first meeting
with be Aug 9th.

Here is  link to the Flash Meetup page –
http://flash.meetup.com/126/

————————————

Hmmm. This one doesn’t look too wierd…yet. It’s not all up-in-my-face personal, MAYBE I’ll check it out.

Checking it out, a.k.a. – use mad eBay skillz for full-fledged INVESTIGATION
Review Meetup Group

  • Seattle Flash Meetup Group: http://flash.meetup.com/126/
  • Organizer: Alex http://flash.meetup.com/126/members/3062323/
  • Group Details: no introduction, website or photos
  • Where – Pluggd, Inc.
    122 S. Washington St
    Seattle, WA
    What – This will be the very first Meetup for The Seattle Flash Meetup Group!
    We’ll use the time to get to know each other, talk about being Flash Developers, find cool projects to work on, and discuss what…

Google Search Results

He checked out. So I went to the meeting. BY MYSELF.

Besides wandering downtown Seattle looking for this door while trying to avoid the muttering dreadlock drunk I passed about nine times going up and down that damn street, I had a GREAT time. Alex and the rest of the Pluggd peeps are some seriously smart dudes.

And they weren’t instantly bored when I started asking about Explorer vs. Firefox.

14
Aug

eBay Peeps Shout-Out

Several of my eBay Peeps have hit the YouTube limelight lately – some of whom may or may not have been shoved into said limelight (in part) by a 32-year old blogger so massively obsessed with her coworkers that she had to hunt down the author of this eBay Chatter post to correct his GROSS MISREPRESENTATION of the truth, because GOD FORBID anyone get the idea these talented men were A) not in fact, eBay employees, or B) that they WERE eBay employees, who DO live in Germany (which actually would explain a lot, because everyone knows, those Germans, they’re so goofy), or C) that worst of all, that our beloved eBay IT / eWatch boyz did not give the entire Salt Lake City Corporate Games competition a complete ASS KICKING and win the whole frickin’ thing.

I have no idea who that could be. But apparently, she’s made a lot of comments.

In related eBay Peeps Awesomeness – Danny, the Amazing Greek, has posted his recent performance at the Gotham Comedy Club. That’s some classic Danny right there. Monday thru Friday, this was the full-time Danny experience that was one of the things that made coming to work worth it. I just have one question for him:

Did you MISS the New York auditions for Last Comic Standing?!

Because I fully expected to see you on the show. I blame my Josh Blue fixation on you.

13
Aug

Operation Cornfield, Part 1: Best Laid Plans Are For WEENIES

Previously on “Operation Cornfield”, I scoped out a brilliant plan to save money on a trip to South Dakota. A plan involving:

  • Driving! (Because I LIVE for driving.)
  • Sightseeing! (Because there’ll be TONS to see.)
  • A week off of work! (Because I am a peon, and they won’t miss me.)

Sounds pretty easy, right?

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Thursday, April 27th   

T-54 days

Compose email to department director, who because of supremely whacked team structure, is my reporting manager from whom all approvals and assignments are given, but also from whom there is no available ‘bandwidth’ to give focused attention or feedback on subjects so low on the totem pole as mine.

To: Director

Subject: Weekly Status Report

  1. Newsletter publication: she-blah-blah-blah
  2. Intranet projects: she-blah-blah-blah
  3. Team SharePoint site development: she-blah-blah-blah
  4. Logo/banner requests: she-blah-blah-blah
  5. Miscellaneous: requesting time off, June 21 – June 27th

Director’s response: None

Follow-up with Director’s Admin: “If she didn’t respond, she’s fine with it.”

My response: “Groovy.”

Continue to send highlighted request on all status reports for the next month and a half. Just in case.

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Thursday, May 18th   

T-20 days

Jen (awesome eBay coworker): “Dude, it’s freakin’ HOT here. We hit 96 degrees yesterday.”

Jules: “Dude? Don’t even talk to me. There is no air conditioning in Seattle. It’s only 85 here and I’ve never been hotter in my life.”

Jen: “Wah.”

Jules: “Truly. It’s stupid. Hey – have they finished refurbing the eBay buildings? I heard y’all were getting some crazy ass doorknockers and stuff”

Jen: ”Yeah. That. The building is great – new paint and wood icons in the halls. But whoever came up with the doorknocker design should be shot. They have doormats on the walls and doorknockers in the shape of bull’s-eyes. It’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Jules: “Dear lord. I wish I could see that.”

Jen: ”I’ll send you a picture. Hey, did I tell you I make jewelry now?”

Jules: “Way cool. These are great! Would you make me one for my friend’s daughter? I didn’t know what to get for her birthday – this’ll be perfect!”

Jen: “How old is she?”

Jules: “uh…two? I think. I tend to block out details about other people’s babies. I’d go bat-bung crazy otherwise.”

Jen: “You heard Jana’s pregnant, right?”

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Monday, May 29th   

T-23 days

Send email to Marketing Communications Manager (MCM), for whom I have been trying to get an IT group to publish changes on another program groups’ web pages. For five months.

Jules: “You know the IT contact I’ve been working with for the last month? He just mentioned today that this really isn’t his department.”

MCM: “Excuse me? So who is?”

Jules: “He referred me to back to the first person I contacted. Back in February. Permission to throw a fit?”

MCM: “Granted.”

To: Anonymous IT Person Living Somewhere in the Indiscernible Web of Confusing Microsoft Titles

Subject: How Dare You Ignore My Very Important Project

Dear Anonymous IT Person,

I contacted you five months ago for help on this project. You passed me to someone else, who passed me to someone else, entering me into a vicious system which has proceeded to whisk me through the inboxes of about 45 different people.

Instead of waiting for y’all to figure out your heads from your butts, I’ve had our vendor do as much work as possible without you. As there’s nothing left for them to do now, we’ll be paying them to sit around twiddling their thumbs for the next seven months if y’all don’t get on it, like now.

Sincerely,

Obnoxious Project Manager*

*O, seriously. You know this is totally made up. The real message was much, much schmoozier.

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Thursday, June 1st   

T-20 days

Dori: “So, what’s the deal with this map you sent? Are you coming? For real?”

Jules: “Yeah, baby! It’s gonna be AWESOME.”

Dori: “I am SO EXCITED. I was sure you’d cancel. Again.”

Jules: “No way. I don’t care what happens between now and then – I’m coming!”

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Monday, June 5th   

T-15 days

To: Obnoxious Project Manager

Subject: Bring It On, Baby

You have a Very Important Project? And you need our help? Well, why didn’t you just SAY SO?

Let’s meet this week and get the project slated for completion by the end of June.

Sincerely,

Previously Anonymous IT Person Who Is In Fact, IT Queen

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To be continued…

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