stargazer

My first cat was not actually MY cat, he was my mother’s. Punkie (short for Pumpkin) was a seal-point Siamese born on Halloween. In the midst of my early childhood, he taught me that animals were beings rather than things – and that some things cannot be caught because you chase them. Sometimes, it’s completely up to someone other than you. Punkie lived to be around seventeen. There were many other friends after him – Cuddles, Lady, Tinkerbell, Booter, Barney.

I saw how they felt death coming and simply sat down to wait for him like a friend. They all taught me that mercy is mercy and that helping a friend find the end is not cruel. I know the signs well. I know the goodbyes. Three weeks ago, we saw Algie sitting down for death, we saw the life leaving his eyes, and we spent a long, long day saying goodbye. And it was harder to do than ever before. Because ending the suffering. It was something I had always understood, always agreed with it – but had never had to choose.

He had stopped eating. At first it was just his crunchies. But then it was the canned meat. I noticed the ingredients had changed. I thought he just wanted what he used to have. So we tried something else. It worked for a day. Then all he did was lick it. No water. No food. Soon, no movement. All he did was lay behind the chair in Trav’s office, and fade. So we made the appointment late in the day, wanting just a little more time. I cried. Al sat. We worked. Al sat. We took him outside. Al sat. We distracted ourselves a little. He sat. I put away his dishes and pillows. Al sat.

We gathered him in a blanket and drove him to the vet. I tried really hard not to look at the room. Where they brought us. And took his temperature. And told us he just had a fever.

Three weeks later, Al’s still here. His fever lasted a week and a half, and I’m still so unsettled by his pattern of ‘better, better, better, DEATH, better, sortof, maybe, better’ that I still can’t bring myself to say “HE’S CURED!” But he is here. And we can see the life in his eyes. So we’re counting our blessings and keeping our fingers crossed.