posted by jules.maas on Geekdom

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Today I received one of those emails I usually scan & delete. You know the kind – those horrible lists of jokes that have been around the interwebs nine hundred thousand times and have just as many email headers. Except today, the jokes were new. They had no headers. And included a bit about pilot humor that was SO familiar, it was as though I could hear my grandfather, uncle and mother talking all at once. I suspect this may be hilarious only to my Adams’ clan readers, but what the hell.

UPS Pilot maintenance complaints (P) and maintenance engineer responses (S)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order. 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed. 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level. 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for. 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right. 

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search 

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. 

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. 

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed. 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

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