Reintroduction to a Native Habitat

From the ages of 11-21, one of THE biggest concerns in my life was the next issue of Elfquest. When was it coming? Next month? Next week? TOMORROW? Would you check with the publisher? The printer? COULD YOU CALL WENDY?!

The clerks always looked so TIRED in my comic shop.

Thus was the decade I spent in friendships with elves and superheroes; drowning in a dreamy graphic world of color. Easily folded between two pages and tucked away in the bookcase, there was my Otherland, my refuge from the grayness of real life. I lived for Things On Paper, for Story and Action, for bows and arrows and spandex tights. It was an easy place to understand. Good guys. Bad guys. Sexy chicks who had the power to disintegrate planets.

Which explains all that time I spent at renaissance fairs. IN COLLEGE.

I lived for a place where I imagined I liked myself. A place where I could beat my bad guys, where masks made me pretty because no one could see me. Eventually, finally, I got to the end of the fantasy. I got sick of just imagining. I kept the books, but I threw away the mask. And I started living – for me.

Last July, we went to the Pacific Northwest Scottish Highland Games. Because our friend Jerry wanted to go. Because he’s Scottish. I think. And we thought, hey. Maybe a red-bearded guy will throw a boulder. Could be cool.

So Trav, Nick, Jerry and I spent a Sunday afternoon wandering tent to tent avoiding 98 degree heat. Dangling necklaces,fluttering streamers, gleaming swords – all the glittery, dreamy, pretend-world tchochke I had once found so easy to love was all there, whispering ‘Jules. Juuuuuules. Come to the Dark Side, Juuuuuules. Feel the power!’

I won’t lie. There were pair of whimsical autumn fairy wings screaming my name. There was a glinting dagger in the air-conditioned beer hall. And then, there was the leather tent.

Travis: “Jules! C’mere. Check this out.”

Jules: “Hm? What?”

Travis: “Look at this dress. It’s cool.”

Pulls down a black leather dress with a neck cuff, biker buttons and an embroidered celtic pattern

Jules: “…its…its…”

Flashing back to a scene of myself at 16 years old. Sitting on the bedroom floor. Surrounded by stacks and stacks of comic books. Reading. All. Day. On a Saturday. Alone.

Jules: “…it’s really well made.”

Travis: “You should try this on!”

Nick: “Hey! Whatcha guys find?”

‘oh my god. get this off, get this off, get this off.’

Trav and Nick: “Oh, you should buy that.”

Jules: “No.”

Trav: “But, you could wear it for Halloween”

Jules: “No.”

Trav: “But…”

Jules: “No. Just, NO.”

Also? It was FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. I think I made the right call.

View the complete geekery here.

Pilot Humor

Today I received one of those emails I usually scan & delete. You know the kind – those horrible lists of jokes that have been around the interwebs nine hundred thousand times and have just as many email headers. Except today, the jokes were new. They had no headers. And included a bit about pilot humor that was SO familiar, it was as though I could hear my grandfather, uncle and mother talking all at once. I suspect this may be hilarious only to my Adams’ clan readers, but what the hell.

UPS Pilot maintenance complaints (P) and maintenance engineer responses (S)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order. 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed. 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level. 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for. 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right. 

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search 

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. 

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. 

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed. 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

25 Things

1. I get an inordinate amount of joy out of glitter.

2. And Chuck. I think Zachary Levi’s smile could be bottled and sold as a Fast-Acting Cure for Mondays, bad news and broke-ass computers.

3. All but one of my childhood friends were boys. They had better toys, better games, better clubs and better things to be when they grew up. None of which required curls or bows.

4. It is physically impossible for me to turn off any episode of “I love the 80s” series.

5. I love playing Halo and Blazing Angels, but won’t play them without Travis because I haven’t ever bothered to learn how to navigate the xBox system.

6. My stylist has been helping me ‘grow out’ my hair for the last two years. IT IS THE SAME LENGTH NOW AS IT WAS WHEN WE STARTED. I’m thinking of skipping my next appointment and shaving the whole damn thing off.

7. My radio is tuned to this station 80% of the time. I really wonder if Trav ever thinks he lives in the AT&T’ Techno Twins commercial. ‘Cuz that’s me with the ribbon, baby.

All time favorites include “Fire” by Ferry Corsten (NSFW*), “Longest Road to Nowhere” by Morgan Page (SFW**), and “Into the Nightlife” by Cyndi Lauper (marginally safe…and weird).

8. I write in my head ALL. THE. TIME. Waiting in line at the bank. When I’m driving. While I’m sleeping. Basically whenever I can’t write it down.

9. Learning to laugh at myself and what to let go of are lessons I don’t quite have down yet. But I’m getting there.

10. When we moved to Salt Lake City, I was really worried my religion would be a problem. And it totally wasn’t. When we moved to Seattle, I wasn’t worried my religion would be a problem. And it kinda is.

11. I curse like a sailor at my computer. When I’m at work. With my headphones in. Usually because I’ve forgotten where I am. Fucking cubemates think it’s hi-larious.

12. I’m convinced my vet ‘runs out’ of 5lb bags of cat food on purpose. The next size up is a ginormous bag that costs $40 and requires two people to lift. Also? I could fit my entire cat in there and he’d still have enough air to last a week.

13. In Catholic School, I was bullied by my entire elementary class every day for two years. It was a horrible, spirit-killing experience that festered into severe clinical depression. All my years from middle school to college were wasted on suicidal fantasies and a total inability to interact with others. Going to a therapist was the most important thing I ever did for myself, and I’m a lot, lot, LOT better now. (This one’s for all those who live in the dark and think there’s no coming back. There is.)

14. I thought my favorite cookie in the world was a snickerdoodle, but wow. I just ate an entire bag of Williams Sonoma ginger spice cookies in less than 20 minutes.

15. I have an awful habit of putting more projects on my plate than I can ever finish.

16. My grandfather’s stories are so great; I laugh like an idiot at all the wrong places because I’m anticipating the punch line.

17. Yes, I DID CRY when Supergirl died during the Crisis on Infinite Earths. I also cried when Sam Beckett was stranded in time for all eterntity and Cutter lost his family for ten-thousand years. Your point is?

18. My parents used to show slides for family, friends and random strangers ‘in the den’. I thought it was awesome, except for that ONE PHOTO of me and a friend. Naked. On a swing set. WHEN WE WERE TWO. Dad liked to shuffle it around so it would show up in a different, unexpected place every time. (TOTALLY NOT INAPPROPRIATE IN ANY WAY, THANKS.)

19. Many a manager has made the mistake of calling me a perfectionist as a way to change my behavior. It was counterproductive for both of us.

20. I’ve been reading “John Adams” for the last six months. Every time I put it down, I start writing a love letter to David McCullough in my head. Which I haven’t sent. Because I’m fairly certain Simon & Schuster would take one look at it and go, “Oh look. The weekly ‘I’m-Related-To-John-Adams’ stalker wrote in early. SHRED.”

21. I eat Reese’s & M&M’s in even groups of twos, by matching color. Single colors are eaten with another single color, until only one candy is left (if any). Otherwise? The world DOES NOT MAKE SENSE.

22. “Let Your Soul Be Your Pilot” is a song that saved my life.

23. Used to be I had a really hard time saying anything to anyone. Now, anyone can get me started about almost anything and it’s hard to shut me up.

24. At the age of eleven, I was convinced my calling in life was to become a photographer for Greenpeace so I could travel the world throwing metaphorical rocks that would break the occasional Bastard Oil Tycoon Scandal or ten. Now my main goal in life is getting to and from work whenever the hell I need to, damnit, what do you MEAN GAS IS OVER $4?!

25. This year we will finally get pregnant. Or tour Europe and drink. EVERYTHING.

*NSFW – not safe for work (viewing at work)
**SFW – safe for work